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Ask Lynn: Advice on love

By Lynn Harris Dear Lynn,
What do you do when you meet online and you hit it off — as in, you actually had so much in common that you were stunned — but then, after six weeks of talking anywhere from four to ten hours a day online and by phone, the other person sees a picture of you and says, “You’re pretty, but can you call again when you lose some weight?” We were actually planning and talking about moving, marriage, the works. Now we talk every once in a while. He wants to “be friends” and “see how the weight thing goes.” What gives? That’s the only problem he saw in me.
– Is Beauty Only Skin Deep?

Dear Beauty,
It’s an unfortunate truth of the world that some people have been conditioned to not be attracted to overweight people. It is unfortunate, and it is unfair, and everything else bad you can say about it, but they are entitled. After all, in the bigger picture — beyond societal standards of beauty — people have all sorts of preferences. Some folks don’t like skinny people. Some folks only like people with glasses. For everyone who’s not into facial hair, there’s someone else who won’t even look at someone without a beard. Go figure. And there’s plenty to be said about physical attraction and why it’s essential in any relationship.

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The problem arises when our preferences and, yes, our prejudices (entitled to them though we may be), wind up circumscribing our romantic horizons. If this guy is willing to throw away all you thought you had in common, all those hours on the phone, all you two had invested, all over a few lousy pounds, without even giving an in-person meeting a chance — and without managing to find a gentler way to break this to you — then wow, no, I’m not sure he deserves more of your time. The only proper response to “call again when you lose some weight” is, “OK, then you call again when pigs fly.”

In other words, I’m sorry, but I think you need to move on. This situation could get toxic and soul-killing, and fast. I don’t want you getting on the scale every morning thinking, “A few more pounds and he’ll like me again!” That is no way to diet, and it is no way to live. You found him online — good for you! — and you will find someone else. Next time around, though, I recommend starting your search closer to home, so as to make the first meeting easier—and much, much sooner. I also recommend exchanging photos right from the outset, if only so the big “reveal” is not a big deal. No matter how “the weight thing goes,” you will find someone who likes you for you.

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Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net—you can visit BG’s blog to discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.