Ask Lynn: Advice on love
By Lynn Harris Hi, Lynn,I met a guy online, and we seemed to hit it off via email, had lots of conversations back and forth and exchanged photographs. We went on our first date this weekend, and we had a great dinner and went out to play pool later. As the evening progressed, my date was tastefully affectionate and made his attraction known. We ended the evening with a goodnight kiss (OK, three small ones) and things seemed to have gone so well.
My problem now? I haven’t heard from him. In general, we would speak every day or text or send a funny email. I called him once and was sent to voice mail and have not heard from him since then.
My friends tell me to give it the official “three-day rule,” but I still think that it is weird that we went from flirtatious to flat in all of 24 hours. What do you think?
- Curious (and Confused) Carrie
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Sure, in principle, I guess you should give it the requisite three days. It is, after all, possible that some friend of his gave him the (frankly dumb) advice that he should hold off for that long. (Yeah, it’s dumb. Of course there’s such a thing as coming on too strong. But I have never once heard a woman say, “Yeah, I really would have liked that guy if he’d only waited 72 hours to call.”)
However, I’d gently suggest maybe not waiting by the phone or computer. After all that buildup, it’d be odd for him to suddenly get all “play it cool” now. It sadly, madly, may be that when you met in person, he totally liked you, but didn’t... LIKE like you. I’m sorry.
Why, then, would he have been so affectionate? Who knows?! Sometimes people think it’s “nicer” to do that even when they have no intention of following through. (I am not one of those people.)
If you haven’t heard from him by the time you read this — and of course, I hope you have, and that he didn’t call sooner because he suddenly had to take care of a puppy or was in a place with no telephone or email — chalk it up to (you guessed it) chemistry, or lack thereof, on his part. Actually, chalk it up to alchemy. Chemistry has predictable formulas and reactions; alchemy is unscientific, more about elusive enchantment. Don’t rehash the date, don’t recount the kisses, don’t — above all — wonder what you did wrong. If he didn’t feel it, that stinks, and I’m truly sorry. But what are you going to do?
Actually, I know what you’re going to do: Meet the next guy, and sooner than you met this one. Meaning, don’t let it build up so much offline. Couple of emails, a phone call or two, then boom: coffee or a cocktail. That’s it. That way you don’t set yourself up for a fall; that way — more importantly — each a date is a date, not a giant “Could He Be The One?” event. The former, frankly, is more fun. And guess what: Having fun while dating is the best way to meet The One while dating.
Lynn Harris is cocreator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net. She’s also the author of Death By Chick Lit and has written for Salon.com, Glamour and the New York Times, among other publications. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.