Ask Lynn: Advice on love
By Lynn Harris Dear Lynn,A week or so ago I met a nice guy online. We emailed each other for a couple of days, had a nice phone chat and then went on a date. The date was great, and we planned our next date right then and there. Our second date was also fantastic, and he asked me out on a third. Unfortunately, he had a business trip coming up and stated that we would go on our date after that. The next day I suggested going on a date before the trip, but he was too busy to do so (preparing for the trip, finishing work, and a college buddy was visiting him). A day or so before he left I asked him if he would like to go to a concert after he returned from his trip; he did not reply, but I got a couple of text messages from him.
Now, I am not expecting him to email me every day while on his trip. But with the mixed signals I am getting from him, should I just count him out? Or am I worrying too much too early before anything has really happened?
-Confused
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This one’s easy. You’re worrying much too early before anything has really happened.
After a couple of great dates with promise of a third, of course we should expect a modicum of courtesy, a sense of potential mutual interest, perhaps even a blandishment or two. But this guy did that, it seems, and all in short, uncomplicated order. He even demonstrated the perfect flirt-related use of the text message: A quick blip of being in touch that says, “thinkin’ boutcha!” without the “commitment” of an email or phone call. I’m not saying it’s time to call the caterers, but at this stage, I wouldn’t call those signals “mixed.”
Also, there’s nothing really wrong with the fact that you asked him out—certainly not from a gender perspective. But he did say you’d get together when he got back, and you really had no concrete reason to doubt him. There’s always room for spontaneity — “Aw, heck, I can’t wait ’til I get back!” — but I sense that you proposed those two dates partly out of I-like-this-guy excitement (no problem with that) and partly due to insecurity: That is, the impatient urge to lock this thing in, to secure that key third date before you lose him to some conference center in Phoenix.
And in the process of doing so — and over-worrying about his “signals” — you might be cheating yourself out of a little fun. (And if dating can’t offer you at least that, then why bother?) Because when you’re all feeling, “What does this mean?” and “Where is this going?” — especially without much data to work with — you totally skip over the delicious anticipation, the curiosity, the part of early romance called not knowing.
Another good way to enjoy the first couple of dates is to date more than one person at once. It’s totally kosher at the early stages, and it helps keep you from micro-focusing on one person (“What does it mean that he took the time to text, Hey, you! instead of hey u”?).
So look forward to his call when he gets back from this business trip. Look forward, especially, to not knowing exactly when it’ll come. People say that when it comes to true love, you’ll know. Right now, and with whichever guy might come along, let yourself enjoy, instead, the mystery.
Lynn Harris is cocreator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net. She’s also the author of Death By Chick Lit and has written for Salon.com, Glamour and the New York Times, among other publications. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.