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How to make online dating work

By Rosalind Cummings-Yeates From the time you leap out of bed, head to the gym, then to the office, then to an after-work seminar, followed by a dash home for a late dinner, your life is a whirl of must-do activities. Ever stop to contemplate when you have time to develop a relationship? Many women do, which is how they arrive at dating through the Internet. When you barely have time for essentials, like having more than two-sentence conversations with friends, the Internet appears to be a quick, easy method of connecting with available singles.

On the flipside of the scenario, some women believe that you can only meet quality singles through a process of face-to-face introductions and meetings, which take time. Quick and easy just never figures into their relationship equation. Well, both sides offer relevant points; quality dating always takes time and effort and the Internet does deliver an easy way to connect. The kind of dates you wind up with depends upon how well you use these principles.

“Rather than this attitude of scarcity, you quickly find that there are lots of people out there. The problem is sorting through them,” says Kathryn B. Lord, a couples therapist and cyber-romance coach, summing up the benefits of dating on the Web. Indeed, locating a suitable match is where time and effort play a crucial role in dating—on or off the Internet.

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“I used to think that I’d just fill out all of these applications and then my soul mate would appear,” says Kelly R., a 28-year-old social worker who joined lots of online dating sites in her search for Mr. Right. “After a year, I met lots of men, but nobody that I really felt a connection with.” Kelly realized that her haphazard approach yielded a haphazard array of men. To meet somebody who suited her needs, she had to take the time to create a detailed profile and listen and pay close attention to what her respondents wrote.

In order to get a better handle on the personalities of potential dates, Lord advises printing out emailed responses. “It’s a record of what a person said. Look for consistency and congruency. You have to have your antennae up,” she says. Lori K., a people-savvy 33-year-old publicist, learned about taking time to read between the lines the hard way.

“I joined a site and immediately met my ideal guy,” she says. “His photo looked great and he described himself as tall and athletic. He was witty and well-informed whenever we talked online.” After a week of emailing, Lori met her dreamboat at a local café. “He looked nothing like his photo, he looked a decade older! Instead of all the witty banter, he said about two words. I was so disappointed.”

Lori could have saved herself the disappointment if she had invested a little more time in getting to know her phantom dream date. Asking pertinent questions, such as “how old is your photo?” would have given her additional perspective. Also, initiating in-depth conversations (through email and over the phone for a few more weeks) would have provided her with more insight.

After discovering the importance of time and effort in Internet dating, Kelly eventually located a compatible mate. She’s now in a relationship with Kevin, an introspective stock broker who is her perfect match. She doubts that she would have ever met him without the easy access of the Internet, but it still took some work on her part. “It wasn’t quick. I had to stay focused on what I wanted,” she says. “It took a lot of time going through all of those email messages and asking loads of questions. But I found Kevin, so it was worth it.”

Rosalind Cummings-Yeates is a freelance writer based in Chicago. She has written forr the Chicago Sun-Times.